Junkie

dark_sad_etc @ 2009-01-30T13:40:00

2009-01-30T19:42:25Z

well here we go again fallin in love with the lead singer she likes me but we'll see what happens

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-12-15T15:12:00

2008-12-15T21:14:41Z

i fell in love with a girl named Rose last night

she gave me a private lap dance for $20

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-12-10T03:42:00

2008-12-10T09:46:24Z

- Another movie idea- American Frontiersman headed west. Gets trapped in a canyon, or a valley, or something, his horse dies, he's all alone in the wilderness. It turns into a survival horror movie about a crazy monster that lives there. Check out Picnic at Hanging Rock for similar feel.

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-11-29T01:20:00

2008-11-29T07:50:44Z

My dad told me a year or so ago that if I want to understand literature and story-telling I have to understand Shakespeare. So I went over to his house a few days ago and picked up Harold Bloom's book, Shakespeare: Invention of the Human. It covers all the big Shakespeare plays and is basically his interpretation on how they work, and the kind of impact they had on history. The big claim he's made is that Shakespeare, through Hamlet, invented the human understanding of personality, in that Hamlet was the first literary character to actually think, "overhear himself thinking," and be changed by the process. So I want to spend my Christmas vacation studying Shakespeare.

Next semester, I want to write a detective movie screenplay, set in college. My friend Blake will play the detective role, and I will play the villain. I wanted Shane to play the villain, but he's too nasty, and Shane didn't want to be remembered as a perverted monster. So I think I'm the only person who could do it.

I've heard many times about the detective hero, (who really is the Hemingway Hero about whom I have heard the same thing) that he presents an outward expression of emptiness, complete stoicism. The result is the impression of an impenetrable toughness. And the conclusion drawn is that inside is an incomprehensible mess of emotional and existential pain. Reading this interpretation of Hamlet, being the mess of thought that he is, I think that the detective hero is the contemporary iteration of Hamlet. Film is the most popular form of storytelling now, and it employs a lot of different techniques and hits different chords in an audience than Drama and poetry does. In a lot of ways it demands a sense of what is "realistic," which cuts out the technique of soliloquy in many instances, making Hamlet impossible to present in the way Shakespeare presented him. The lack of an entry into the character is what made the detective hero so perfect for film, and why the noir movies of the 30's and 40's is where a lot of people are able to find what is literary in movies. The image is what is most telling in a movie, and the image of a quiet man tells more about him than most things he might say. The image replaces the soliloquy. There's only the impression of thought, as opposed to the outright expression of it.

This idea is going to be the starting point of my movie. I want to establish a certain amount of emptiness in the life of Blake, the main character. And a quiet emptiness too- he doesn't talk about it, but we can see him thinking about it. But then he meets my character. I'm the character who expresses his fears, anxieties, and melancholy. However, I'm a much more outward person in the movie- I'm very popular, very charismatic. In that way, I serve as Blake's inner Hamlet. And I'm the person who pulls Blake out of his isolation. But I also am a murderer. Ultimately Blake is forced to confront me. Since I am a mirror of him, he is confronting his own demons.

I still have all the plot to write, but this is the gist of where I want it to go. Wish me luck!

Writing

2008-11-14T22:48:06Z

So I'm going to start using this again.

Hello Reena Montana and Alison!

I think you are the only ones who really use this thing anymore.

But I'm using this journal for my own ends, mostly to get into the habit of writing. A creative notebook if you will, a way to keep my mind working and a place to jot down my ideas before the slip away.

I'll go ahead and let you guys in on all the pipe dream projects I have that I might forget years down the road unless I write them down.

1. Moby Dick mini-series. You know, like one of those HBO shows with lots of swearing and graphic dirty nude prostitutes and intense violence. I guess I'm mostly talking about Deadwood, which is definitely worth watching if you haven't seen it yet. And I don't think there's really much of that stuff in Moby Dick, and I'm mostly joking, but the point is I want to make an un-compromised adaption, as opposed to some shitty 5 part series on ABC primetime Sunday nights or whatever. I'm talking a season long maybe, with drawn-out sequences contemplating an endless horizon of water on a melancholy overcast day where nothing happens. Oh yeah, my kind of stuff. Something no one wants to really watch, but if done right could be a real literary feat. I would think it was cool at least. I haven't read the book, but I've read part of the beginning, and even with that little bit that I read, each page had potential for great scenes in a movie. I just really love the way the story is told, and I really love the narrator, Ishmael, even though he's not a big part of the story. I think a lot of characterization could be done for him though, based on the personality he portrays in the writing, and could also serve as a surrogate for Herman Melville. I get pretty excited thinking about this movie, really.

2. Cyber-Punk detective story set in Madrid. Don't really have too much about this one. What I really want is for it to be scored by Omar Rodriguez Lopez, the guy from The Mars Volta, because it's their music that fueled the images. They have a really cool combination of electronic music and ethnic sound, which I think would be pretty hardcore in a movie- flamenco sci-fi or something like that.

3. Another movie in Spain- an adaption of Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. Scored with Miles Davis' Sketches of Spain and John Coltrane's Ole.

4. A pulpy sci-fi movie, or series maybe, about time-travel. The basic idea is that there is a group of people that mastered time travel to control the world, basically. So people are basically walking in and out of portals in a crazy space-time distorted society, where a guy from the 1800's goes to 500 B.C. Egypt to buy some jewelry for his wife like it's no big thing. As cool as it is, it's a dystopia of course, and there's a rebel movement trying to regain control from the powers that be, eventually discovering a portal hidden from the rest of society that leads to the end of time.

5. I've been watching the ten part series by Ken Burns, Jazz, and it's full of amazing stories about Jazz musicians. I'm thinking maybe a movie about either the Dave Brubeck Quartet, or the Benny Goodman Quartet, that performed out on the front for American soldiers during World War II.

6. Maybe an adaption of Jack Kerouac's Vanity of Duluoz, because I really loved reading it, even though I'm not sure if it could work as a movie.

7. My neighbor lent me Lolita, and although it's been made into a movie twice already, if I made it I would want to focus on the intensely creepy pedophilia stuff that I don't really remember being explicitly explored in the Kubrick movie; I haven't seen the other one so they might talk about it more in the newer version.

That's all I can think of right now : )

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-04-29T01:02:00

2008-04-29T06:04:04Z

hello everybody

just droppin in to remind you

I love you : )

Check dis out-

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=354597038

My friend Dan Monaghan, who I roomed with last year is in the band and wants me to make some visuals to accompany the music.

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-03-28T00:31:00

2008-03-28T06:20:49Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3O01zxTTrQY

I watched this film Through a Glass Darkly, written and directed by Ingmar Bergman, about a week before spring break. I was amazed. Usually when I like a film as much as that I go into an obsessive study of as many movies by the director as possible. I had seen a couple of his movies before, but his movies were always hard to get a hold of, and I wasn't interested enough to spend a bunch of money to get his stuff. So then I saw this movie, and the library here has a whole crap load of his movies... but I haven't watched one, because Through a Glass Darkly hit me so hard and I'm kind of reluctant to put myself through that shit again. Here's what happened when I saw it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1emqfGVAMU

I really love Ingmar Bergman, but he fucks me up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXk6VXs6jh4

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-03-28T00:11:00

2008-03-28T05:28:54Z

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.- 1 Corinthians 13:12 King James Version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GB26sCD3tTI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1HXQ1ybwBM

Am I really all the things that are outside of me?
Am I really all the things that are outside of me?
Am I really all the things that are outside of me?
Am I really all the things that are outside of me?
Am I really all the things that are outside of me?

am i real? am i real? am i real?

soooooo

2008-02-28T06:01:11Z

Well that sexy girl I was talking about no longer has a boyfriend. And we've been talking more.

But I don't really know if that means anything.

And my friend George is like, in drunken stupor tonight "man here's why me and mary should totally do it- i broke up with my girlfriend the exact same day she broke up with her boyfriend" and everyone's like "yeah! do it!" and i'm quiet b/c mary is the sexy girl i like.

1st of all i'm a bros before hos guy so i'm not going to start a stupid competition.

2nd of all she knows she's sexy and probably enjoys being sexy with every guy she meets so i'm not counting my chickens (and neither should george)

3rd of all i was drinking today with my buddies but i forgot i have to work today- so right now i am working with a nice little buzz and have to pretend i'm not stumbling around my words too much : )

Gah gah gah g ah ghag hag aha hga ha gfagfhADSGFiweghrwe;ihgaKJEWRvnhoig4wehgitw34u25092u0tr23uytfi.

2008-02-18T03:52:33Z

Yeah, so I just filmed the first scene of my zombie movie and it was perfect like HOLY SHIT this is exactly what I wanted.

Let me explain something crazy about film making that I am just now understanding:

it is absolutely one of the goofiest things a person can do. We're basically adults playing make-believe. We're making fools of ourselves for all to see. So it's hard to get people motivated for it. And it's hard for me to be motivated when no one wants to act like fools for me. And there's this terrible insecurity about it. Like, are we really going to do this? Isn't it kind of ridiculous?

I saw an interview from Daniel Day-Lewis, (aka Daniel "Milkshake" Plainview), and he was talking about working on the movie Gangs of New York. He said that about half way through the movie it wouldn't be uncommon for people to be confining themselves to dark corners, trying to get away from everyone. Everyone was basically asking themselves in the back of their mind, "what the hell are we doing here?" But man, if Gangs of New York ain't a bomb ass movie. The fact that Daniel Day-Lewis, one of my favorite actors, and Martin Scorsese, one of my favorite directors, feel the same way I do, is really the only thing that kept me from just saying "Ah, fuck it, this is too ridiculous, it's going to be stupid, let's just call the whole thing off." And even tonight, minutes before we started shooting, I was still tempted to just give up on the whole thing.

But I stuck through. AND THIS FIRST SCENE IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!!! I AM SO HAPPY!!

This whole thing has been built up in my head for so long, and to finally get the confirmation that it just might work out okay is one of the best things I've ever felt :)

And now I'm EXHAUSTED.

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-02-17T01:59:00

2008-02-17T08:06:39Z

hello all ya'all I is drunk i luv you all- you know it's not something i would say too far from sobriety I say shit like this all the time so just to repeat myself yes I LOVE YOU

:) :) :)

Happy Valentine's Day (late) every day because:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLxTpsIVzzo&feature=related

Mick Jagger at 2:38

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-02-15T01:41:00

2008-02-15T07:42:06Z

Was not here, would have like to have been:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEIhXPK0TSM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1HXQ1ybwBM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydgxzIv36PU

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-02-15T01:21:00

2008-02-15T07:33:36Z

I had a dream last night that I was back in California, and my family was showing me around.

I was with my Aunt Kathy, and she's kind of a hippie, so she took us to some hippie place. We all sat around a round table. A hippie/gypsy lady came out. By "gypsy" I mean like fortune teller clothes, even though she was completely and utterly Caucasian. In fact, she was Catherine O'Hara. If you don't know Catherine O'Hara, she was the chick who played the mom in Home Alone.

So Catherine O'Hara gypsy hippie throws some weird leaves all over the table. They are these strange feathery leaves, very soft and light, which I have never seen before. Very small too. If you breathed in too strong, they would fly right into your mouth, they were that feathery. So she has us do breathing exercises over the leaves, and they're flying all around the table. I do some breathing in of the herb scents, and then I turn to my Aunt Kathy. She says to me- "I wouldn't do that if I were you." It then dawns on me that I must have just participated in some crazy spiritual drug journey ritual, and although my aunt tried to warn me, it was too late, and everything started turning green, and I felt like I was being sucked through a portal. I was having a real intense trip, so I closed my eyes to try and relax myself. It really wasn't so bad, so I tried opening my eyes again, at which point I woke up, and I was still half-dreaming/tripping a little, and the Salvador Dali painting I have on the wall next to my bed was totally crazy looking. Like, moreso than usual, with different colors and jagged edges and stuff. And then I shook myself a little bit, and everything went back to normal, and I went back to sleep.

I was here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRaZ-5gTqSw

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-02-14T22:56:00

2008-02-15T05:25:13Z

Do you guys know anyone from NIU? You probably know now about the shooting. Six people died, including the shooter.

Our friend EJ Goodyear, if you know her, goes there, but she's fine. I think she was in the same building, or close by.

Dan Monaghan, my room mate from last year, who is one of my favorite people eva, goes there, and here's a bit of exciting news for you all. He was in the room where the shooting happened. He saw the gun and ran out, so he's okay. But it's pretty crazy to think about.

Just curious if you guys know anyone. I have a friend down here who has a lot of friends at NIU, and he's pretty upset. : (

i am in love with pop stars

2008-02-11T06:56:22Z

dark_sad_etc @ 2008-01-26T12:01:00

2008-01-26T18:14:09Z

I got's me a headache

cuz last night I was drinking

and this morning I got's to work at the lab.

SO it's a good thing I held back a bit last night- there were two kegs- one at Joe-Mega's house and one at Fedeyski's and we took some vodka shots, then went to Joe's, got crunk'd, but I didn't have money for Fedeyski's so I didn't get a cup, and if I did I'd be having a much worse headache like I did last weekend.

So there's this girl Mary she's in my English class and she's just straight-up on the level and we've always hung out with the same people but never talked so now that we's in the same class we talk a little bit and we were at a party last weekend and she was drunk and I was drunk, and there was a band playing and one of the guys stopped playing guitar, and my buddy Max picked up the bass and my buddy Collin sat at the drums, so I'm like "Okay, I'll pick up the guitar." So I'm belting out some badass blues and we're all jamming really nice when Mary gets really close really sexy and says into my ear "You play guitar? What do you play?"

And I'm like "lots of stuff"

"stuff I know?"

"Rolling Stones"

"Yeah! What else?"

"Bob Dylan"

"Yeah! What Bob Dylan?"

"Lots. 'Just Like a Woman'"

"Yeah! Play 'Just Like a Woman' for me!"

And I wish I could play this really sad love song just for her cuz she asked me like that "for me" but I was playing with the band and I couldn't break up the beat we was doing. Which is too bad. But she still likes me so whateva.

But she has a boyfriend. DAMMIT. They all seem to have boyfriends down here. It's ridiculous.

Why do girls gotta play us like that? Why not just be nice in an un-sexy way, if it ain't gonna be nothing? Shee-it. I guess girls just can't be un-sexy and that's the ups and downs of it.

dark_sad_etc @ 2007-12-10T11:51:00

2007-12-10T18:11:40Z

So i had dis craaaaazy dream.

There was this guy, Chris, from my film class. And there was my old room mate Dan Monaghan. And there was Reena's jeep. Chris was driving, Dan was passenger, and I was in back. So we were just driving around some hilly back roads, like where Laura takes us sometimes, and we were getting high and hanging out. So I notice Chris starting to swerve off the road, and I'm like

"Dude. Dude. Hey dude."

And then I realize we are about to crash into someone's house and I look over at him and start freaking out yelling

"Dude dude dude!"

All the while he has this perfectly calm stoned look on his face. So I look back and see that he has narrowly avoided the house and returned to driving on the road. His confidence gives me confidence, and after doing it a bit more, I start to get excited. Eventually, it seems like a good idea to drive into someone's backyard. So we do so, and we're all laughing and excited, doing donuts in the yard, and speeding away. Some scary redneck people try to chase us but we escape.

We then decide to ram someone's house with the jeep. We run into the side of the house, then drive away, all excited. The owner of the house gets in his car to chase us down. We take some crazy detours off the road, driving through bushes and past trees and over barbed wire fences and stuff. But for some reason we can't go any further and the guy catches us.

And then I am alone, and it turns out the guy is actually the sheriff, and is strangely similar to the sheriff from the movie A History of Violence. His wife is in the passenger seat. And he's giving me a lecture about the repercussions of what I was doing, and how I should come with him in the car.

All the while that he is talking to me, I am swinging a small toy mace, which I now recognize as a prop from the movie El Mariachi. I don't know why. But I'm swinging it non-chalantly, looking this way and that, communicating to him that I don't give a shit about what he's saying to me. I'm also using my attitude to stall and give me time to think about what to do.

So I'm thinking in a panic. Like, how the hell am I going to get out of this. I can't run. I could give up. But then I think to myself: I've come this far. There's no turning back.

So I might as well go balls out nuts on this fucker.

So I pull my backpack off (cuz I guess I had a backpack) and I start smashing it up against his car. All angry like. He gets out

and then the dream shifts to me in bed. I guess I was apprehended, cuz I was feeling like I messed up my reputation in society and school and stuff.

And I'm trying to sleep and I'm thinking to myself:

If I fall asleep, maybe I can go back to before this all happened, and I can make some better decisions when the incident comes around again.

And then I wake up.

But the point is that I went completely nuts and I wonder if I would do those things in real life. I had also just watched the movie Broken Flowers, which is awesome. There is a line in that movie: "The past is gone, the future is not here yet, so all we have is this. Now." And I think I might actually go crazy like that because I agree with the philosophy summed up in that movie.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

2007-12-10T00:29:46Z

I am satisfied. Just sitting here. I feel as though my work is done. The last two weeks have been insane. InSANe.

So now I am wallowing in nothing, allowing it to just wash over me as I sit. SIT. DOING NOTHING. OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM SO RELIEVED TO BE DOING NOTHING RIGHT NOW.

But it'll only last til tomorrow, cuz tomorrow I have to study for finals. And work. And try to get a job at Co-op records. And then when finals are over I have to get my movie started. And when the movie is over I have to go back to school and write a short film for my writing the short film class. And I still have to shoot the majority of my movie at SIU anyway... so the movie won't really be over at all. And then in the summer...

Well, I sent Animal Collective an e-mail, asking them if we can make a documentary together on their next tour. They haven't replied yet, but there is an off chance that I will be following them around all summer if the following things line up:

1. They agree to the movie
2. They do their tour over the summer
3. I have the money to go around the country
4. I have the equipment to shoot it and record sound at a decent quality

So it's slim but you never know.

Let's stop talking about this.

Let's just relax a little bit.

Nothing to be done right now.

Just relax. Nothing. Nothing to do. Just enjoy it.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

By the way, I have uploaded my filmography to youtube, if you want to check it out.

my username is joet88

"Blake and Suzannah" is the title of the short I made this semester and I am very happy with it.

Except I forgot to change Suzannah's name in the credits to "Susannah," cuz that's how you actually spell her name. Hopefully she won't mind.

I sleep

2007-12-04T12:54:43Z

Want to hear how weird my sleeping schedule is?

Well, Friday and Saturday I was up til about 2:00 or 3:00 AM, and woke up the next morning at about 1:00 or 2:00 PM.

Kinda lazy right, but not too weird.

So I had a paper due Monday. I woke up Sunday at about 2:00 PM. I started working on the paper at about 3:00 AM Monday. I didn't sleep. Got breakfast at 7:00 AM. Went to class and work til about 5:00 PM. Ate dinner with my buddy at about 5:30 PM. Went to bed at 6:00 PM.

Woke up at about 2:45 AM Tuesday.

Have been messing around on the internet and working on late work til about now, 6:51 AM. Will soon go to breakfast. Will finish late work and go to class till about 3:00 PM. Probably sleep at around 4:00 or 5:00 PM. Wake up before I have to work at 11:00 PM to 3:00 AM.

Then who knows. I feel like I'm going craaaaaaazzzzaaaaayyyy

dark_sad_etc @ 2007-11-29T15:06:00

2007-11-29T21:11:43Z

So I've reached a nice middle ground with coffee where I don't drink it too often and am not addicted so when I do drink it I can do it for two reasons:

1. I can still enjoy the subtle nuances of taste
2. My tolerance to caffeine is low enough to where a tall cup from Starbucks makes me jittery and gives me a nice boost of energy.

So right now I am jittery and have to write a short paper about human evolution.

And I am at the computer lab so I do not have any distractions.

And this guy sat down next to me and out of the corner of my eye I thought he was wearing a strange tribal mask.

When I looked over I just saw that his hair was long and covered his face to make it seem like he might be wearing a tribal mask.

That's all I wanted to say; I just thought it would be cool if a guy sat down next to me wearing a tribal mask.

JIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTEERRRRRRYYYYYYYYY

P.S. There is an awesome craft sale going on 'til Saturday so get ready for handmade Christmas gifts.

dark_sad_etc @ 2007-11-28T00:53:00

2007-11-28T06:55:22Z

And I am making really nice progress revising my screenplay. Peoria scenes should be all ready by break.

Then we can start shooting.

It's gonna be crraaaaaazy.

The hardest part will be getting people together.

I need lots of zombies.

Structure

2007-11-28T05:27:40Z

btw

I'm all like

ready to work;

ready to finish things up.

I slept through my Literature class this morning

which was a very

baaaaaad

feeling.

But

as long as I spend

some of my time tonight working

things are going to turn out all right my way.

I got to catch up on about ten papers over the next week

(about seven of them are only one page each) and once that's done

I will be set and ready to prepare myself for finals which

will be absolutely nerve-wracking but I will

be okay and as soon as it is all

over Christmas break

will start

and

I

w
i
l
l

b
e

h
a
p
p
y

dark_sad_etc @ 2007-11-27T23:12:00

2007-11-28T05:15:36Z

So I got
back.

And I
been working
since.

Christmas
off in
distance.

Three weeks ain't
hard.

?

2007-11-22T02:33:38Z

???
??
?

Dream

2007-11-11T21:34:49Z

Oh yeah and last night I had a dream.

I was hanging out with Montana, and she had short hair, even though I haven't seen her with short hair yet. And I was playing with her hair because it was really really short and looked cool.